


Ham is Love, Ham is Life

by hamjesusappreciation



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, My First Fanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:01:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4621140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamjesusappreciation/pseuds/hamjesusappreciation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a story co-written by me and my friend. It is quite...unique, to put it mildly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ham is Love, Ham is Life

SMACK!

Louis jolted awake from his shallow slumbers to something cold and wet hitting his face. He sat up and ripped it off. A slice of ham. He felt a flash of hot anger for a second, but it instantly cooled when he set the meat on his leg. He was as red as the blood his mum wiped on him after he cut her finger with that plastic spoon over losing a game of poker when he was seven. He was literally burning to death, and dang, he was really grateful for whoever threw that glorious piece of ham.  
He grasped the cold piece of ham in his fist and closed his eyes. He breathed in its rich, beefy aroma and sighed in contentment. He brought his hand to his mouth and licked the meat sensually. Suddenly, he heard the door of his bedroom swing open. “Louis, we’re late for our naked yoga lessons at Elton John’s summer house, I brought your spandex jumpsuit-OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Louis looked at him sheepishly. Harry bursts into tears. “Louis, you told me you would stop having love affairs with food! Remember that time you got your dick stuck in that loaf of 100 year old French bread?!”  
“Mmmm-hmmmm, yeeeaaaah…” Louis breathed erratically and put half the meat in his mouth at the very thought. He began to lick it forcefully. He let his mind wander. Wander to think of Harry… Harry and his hot ears. Dang, Louis wanted those ears. He had always wanted to kiss them, to lick them, to suck them, to make love to them… Now, he fell on his back sucking on the honey-roasted ham while staring intensely at Harry’s ears. At this point, he didn’t know what he wanted more because that ham was heavenly divine. Forget Harry, he’d marry it then and there if he could.  
Louis looks up into the curly-haired man’s hazel eyes. “I am deeply sorry Harry, but I have found something that i love more than i love you, this ham. This lovely slice of ham is all i have ever wanted in a partner. It is delicious, it never tells me what to do, it will never try to run away from me and join a band of cross-dressing ex US presidents, unlike you. I’m sorry.” Louis slides his trousers down and begins to make sweet love to the slice of ham. Harry turns away from the abominable sight. “No Louis, I love you! I can’t bear to see you making love with something else!” He grabs a stuffed lion from the top of Louis’ dresser. He takes the tail and wraps it tightly around his neck. “Goodbye cruel world!” Harry pulls the tail taunt around his neck and suffocates himself, causing him to collapse to the floor and die.  
The ham became filthy in Louis’ hands. He felt bad and decided he better give it a bath due to his new responsibilities as its partner. He pushed the entire slice into his mouth and sucked as hard as he could. He spit it out and laid it onto his pillow. He grabbed a kleenex from his beside table and put it over as a blanket. He kissed it before heading to the doorway. Harry was a retard. Blessed be the world without that wanker. Louis pulled down his pants and squatted over his head. He let the juicy log slip and slide right out of his butt and smother those wretched ears that ruined his life. Forget that. After the mushy crap fished dripping a bit, he squat further and wiped his butt all over that grease pile toupee he always hated before pulling up and walking into the hall.  
As Louis walked into the hall, he smacked into someone. Panicking, he hold tightly onto the ham, protecting it as he falls. He looks up to determine who he ran into. A look of astonishment crosses his face as he realises who he ran into. “Elton! What are you doing here?” “I’ve been looking for you, dear boy.’ He helps the younger man to his feet. “Come, we must make haste to my home, there is a mystery afoot there! I know a fast way to get home. Quickly, grab my nipples.’ He pulls his shirt off, revealing rather saggy man-boobs. Louis grabs hold of Elton’s nipples, but not before shoving the ham up his butthole for safe keeping. As he grabs the nipples, they begin to fly through the air at an astonishing speed. In a manner of seconds, they reach Elton John’s home in the highlands of Scotland.  
As soon as they appeared inside the familiar, country home, Louis instantly knew something was wrong. The whole floor was covered in a few inches of oddly coloured water, and there were constant banging sounds all around the home. He began to move towards the bathroom and noticed there was no toilet, just a giant hole in the floor. He stood by the spewing water, studying it. Suddenly, a huge explosion erupted from directly above, and something tackled Louis to the floor. He opened his eyes slowly as the dust died down. A weird man-lady with a beard sat over him. It had an excessive amount of makeup and minuscule boobs. It smiled at him and grabbed his face for a wet, lipsticky kiss. Louis gagged, but when the creature got up and walked out the door, he threw up a little in his mouth. The creature had cut a hole out of the tight dress so its hairy butt hung out. That definitely was no woman.  
The strange man-human hybrid walked slowly down the halls of the house. Louis decides to follow the creature. He runs after it and belly flops onto his, knocking it to the ground. “Who are you?” Louis asks in a harsh tone. The creature squirms underneath him and flips itself over so that it is facing Louis. Louis immediately recognises the moustache-adorned face under him. “What the hell Hilter, why do you have boobs?’ He asks in bewilderment. “Also, didnt you, like, commit suicide or something?” Hitler pushes Louis off of him and stands up. “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU BRITISH PIECE OF SHIT, YOU DONT KNOW ME! YOU CANT JUDGE ME! I USED MAGIC TO MAKE MYSELF HALF WOMAN TO PLEASE MY SECRET LOVER, JOSEPH STALIN! Our love was so beautiful, we were star-crossed lovers.” Hitler sighs dreamily. “But it was too perfect to last. Poor Stalin got his beautiful Russian ass kicked by Ringo Starr back in the 60s, Ringo hit him with a rubber chicken until he died. Now, I am in the need of a new boy toy.” Hitler smirks down at Louis and licks his lips.  
Louis felt a bit of pity wash over him. He was a terrible person, and he needed to make up for it. He slowly stuck his hand down his butt and pulled out the warm, brown ham. He brought it to his lips for a last kiss goodbye before handing it over to Hitler. Hitler gasped and took it giving a look that said, ‘for me?!” Louis nodded as Hitler beamed in delight before aggressively putting it to his face and making out. ‘How cute…’ Louis thought. He felt happy and accomplished. He decided to give some privacy, so he turned and walked away. He came to a door that was slightly opened and pushed it open. He realised he had arrived in the kitchen. With a glance, he noticed somebody sitting at the table. He walked closer and noticed that it was George Harrison, and he was eating a sandwich. A honey-roasted ham sandwich.  
Louis’ mouth began to water as he saw the moist slice of ham between the two slices of bread. He dashed towards George and snatched the ham out of the sandwich. He ran out of the room before George could stop him. He ran outside into the yard. In front of him is his old friend, Dumbledore, making out with his gay lover, Snape. “Sorry to interrupt you two, but I must make a quick getaway. George Harrison is after my meat!” Dumbledore immediately unbuttoned his robes. “Grab my nipples!” He yells. Louis once again stashed his beloved ham up his but and grabbed onto the gay wizard’s nipples. The two of them flew together all the way to the mystical kingdom of Narnia. Louis found his way to a small cottage and locked himself inside the bedroom. He pulled the ham out of his butt and gazed at it lovingly. “We’re finally alone.” He murmured to it with lust in his eyes. He smiled blissfully and began to make rough, passionate love to the piece of honey-roasted ham.  
Epilogue: Louis and the ham got married a few years later. Together, they had thirty-five beautiful children. Eventually, Louis divorced the ham and became involved in a three-way relationship with Elton John and ex-first lady Hillary Clinton. The three of them are currently living in Beijing with their roommates, Hitler and his ham.


End file.
